Masses and Weddings and toasts! Oh My! (irreverant humor warning!)

    Yesterday was interesting. John’s boss Monica got married. It was a Catholic marriage with the whole nuptial mass. Oh, and you have to add in that all of us, (John, Dan, Beth, little Morgan and I) are PAGAN! So, it was going to be interesting no matter what.

Did I mention that Monica is in her 50’s and George the groom in his 60’s? Or that Dan still smells like his underhouse guest, the skunk?

I got up and started running around trying to get ready about 8am. At 10am, I came over to 520 in order to trim up Dan’s beard. He was in the midst of writing the tech savvy article for the Huerfano Journal, so I didn’t get that done until nearly 11:30am. I got back to the house at noon, dived into the shower and then struggled to get tights over damp legs and to dry my sweater which hadn’t. I wore my new brown skirt, green and brown tweedy sweater and my lovely English black hat. I even left the pin with the witch on a broomstick on it! I wore my pentacle and amber too! Yes, I was being a brat. However, I’m the only one who has been in that church out of all of us. Been there for lots of funerals and a few weddings.

The wedding was at 1pm, and it was nearly 12:45pm before we started out the door. It was snowing too!

We got to St. Mary’s Church in decent time. Sat in the back and hoped that Dan didn’t offend everyone in sight/smell. Beth had little Morgan sitting next to her in hopes of explaining all the odd bits of catholicism. I was sitting between John who was trying to be solemn and respectful and Dan who was switching from giggling to rapt curiosity.    Of course there were all sorts of people in there I hadn’t seen forever, and had to catch them up in 30 seconds or less on everything that has happened since I saw them last.

Things got started and that is when hilarity began to ensue. First off was the catholic aerobics… the whole up and down bit. I have always joked it was to keep people awake.  Little Morgan began to give the adults the “What???” look. Then there was the priest. He is from Africa. English was not his first language, and he had a very heavy accent.  This of course sent both Dan and John atwitter. I leaned over towards Dan and he whispered that all he could hear was Peter Cook from the Princess Bride saying “Mar-wage”. Snicker…. Then I leaned towards John… and he said all he could think of was Rowan Atkins in Four Weddings and a Funeral saying: “The Father, the Son and the Holy Spigot”. I had to bite my lip not to laugh.  The priest’s diction and pronunciation had us giggling all through the mass.

Trying to behave, I went back to looking around the church when we weren’t bobbing up and down in our seats.  (every time we did, Dan wafted skunk) St. Mary’s is a Very Marionite Church. The arch inside the church over the main altar is very Yonic. And it doesn’t help that at the very top of the arch there is an ornamental carved piece of wood in the shape of an acorn or ball. And yes, it is in exactly the right spot to be a clit. There is also a fringed dome behind the arch… very womb-ish. All I could think was that if you superimposed a picture of the female anatomy over the altar, it would match! Dan noticed this as well.  The church is also odd in that it’s main door faces North. In church doctrine, that is the “witches door”, or the door that all of those out of favour are suppose to enter when they come to church.  As this is an old church, it isn’t like they couldn’t have put the door facing east. However, there is a very heavy Converso element in the Spanish Catholics that was here when the church was founded. All of those Conversos would have come through the North door… (conversos… jewish converts to catholicism to avoid the inquisition) So, all of us Pagans came in the right door!

The mass itself was typical. Lots of bits about how god created marriage because a man should not be alone, that a good marriage is supported by going to church on Sunday, etc. The only part they really left out was the whole ‘fruitful’ bit. Considering the age of the wedding couple, it was a good thing! It also reminded me just how far from a Christian mindset I am. That whole “obey” and “until Death do you part” just doesn’t work for me. Never did.

There was a soloist who was very nice. Good thing I knew enough Spanish to know what he was singing. He sang at the reception too. Folkloric guitar and NO MIC NEEDED . Oh gods he had volume. But back to the wedding…

When they got to the actual vows, George was being a bit of a cut up. I was so proud of him. He normally isn’t a solemn guy, and to sit that long must have been a trial. They did the ring thing and then it was time for the sharing of the body of Christ.  The priest brought out the host and I started giggling. It was a plate sized disk, and all I could think of was “Oh my gods! It’s the Holy Tortilla!” It didn’t help when he broke it up in wedges and Dan leaned over to whisper, “look! it’s a holy quesadilla!” I just shook with laughter.  They actually did use the big disk broken into pieces for everyone. Norma Lou, one of the older ladies who is on the library board was helping with the cup part of things and when everyone is done, she drank the last of it. This of course prompted comments about her real reasons to help out, etc. Dan and I were also making snarky remarks about cups of sharing and cakes and ale etc. We were being very quiet, but John started glaring at us because we weren’t being “respectful enough”. When it came to the Peace unto Others fellowship bit, we stood, and shook hands with those around us. That’s when I realized that not only were we the “pagan” section, but the whole two rows behind us were too! All of our pagan/alternative faith friends were together. Dan apologized for his ‘scent’, and one guy laughed as he thought he had smelled skunk, but wasn’t sure.

After the wedding, we went to Alys’ Cafe for the reception. Daniel was working there and I got lots of hugs from my friends who work there.  I got lots of compliments on my hat. :> There was heavenly food. Shrimp, caviar, barbecue chicken on skewers, hummus, fresh fruit, chocolate and carrot cake, and lovely wines, beer, etc. Alys makes everything from scratch. Yummmm…… (and that is why I loved working there!)

Once again, I had to catch up everyone I hadn’t seen in a while on life in our family. I also got stuck talking to an “art broker”. Strange lady! Ah well…. We ate tons, visited and then went to say goodbye to Monica and George. George noticed the witch pin on my hat and asked what that was… I said it was a witch on a broom, and he looked at me a bit strange. (no, he doesn’t know I’m pagan!) I said it was on my hat and I hadn’t taken it of. He sort of smiled and then I said that “at least I didn’t go up in flames when I went into the church” with a smile and he laughed. John about choked. I waited until we were outside to laugh!

After the wedding, I went out to see Damon and Pauline. I visited with them for about 2 hours and then headed home and to bed! What a day!

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